Sunday, 27 May 2007

Terrible price:


With a week now passed since the end of the ride, we have to report the sad news of Dr Oakley having to be sanctioned under section 8 of the Congenitally Ugly (follically challenged) Amendment Statute of 1864.
Despite lashings of the panaceaic Lincolnshire cure, millionaire shortbread, the prognosis is poor. Failure of the rectal mucostic membrane has led to an abnormally high level of 'troll corpuscles' - discovered by the well known Somalian geneticist Legs Akimbo as the carrier of the pig ugly chromosome (PUC).
Speaking from the Stoke Hammond Centre for the Clinically Gurned, the respected Doctor Nigel 'Quackers' Brookes issued a short statement:-
'Despite extensive shock therapy throughout the last week, Dr Oakley shows little sign of remission, although his 'syrup' is sitting up in bed and has requested a bowl of milk. At 11.47 last night, the frontal lobotomy procedure had to be abandoned after failure to discover sufficient cerebral tissue to operate on. Medical records indicate that previous Bass and Pizza based treatment, though initially successful, has resulted in a hybrid highly resistant strain of the PUC. Early - overlooked - signs of this development are typically morbid fascination with road based traffic markings and a distinct inability to discern humorous stories from the downright tumbleweed. It is expected that Dr Oakley will be able to attend his Daughter's wedding, but inadvisable to allow delivery of his 48 minute father's speech on the fascinations of the development of rumble strips in built-up areas'
So you see, we have paid a terrible price for the pursuit of personal challenge.
Please give what you can to make Oakley's remaining stay at Stoke Hammond more comfortable - be it cash or a new pair of teeth.

Saturday, 19 May 2007

There!!








We were away early, leaving he Hotel for a short 20 mile ride to where we stopped last




night and off at 7.00ish.




With none other than the final goal in mind, all eager to reach the end.




A testing day's ride with two 760 foot climbs from sea level within 6 miles of each other, and a number of smaller climbs peppering the route.




A slow cold start, but turning to the East, the winds were behind us and helped considerably - at one stage allowing 30 mph cruises on the flat.




The weather was dry, and a quick 40 mile romp brought us to our breakfast stop - just in time joined by President and Mrs Frampton, still tasting the breakfast kedgeree from their late start.




Up and down along the coastline, Wick the next stop. Flame's cycle fell victim to a worn spindle crank, and for once Brownie could not address the problem. With the spare steed unleashed, the final 17 miles were eaten greedily.




On the outskirts, euphoric photo opportunity and then down into the finish line - 925 miles.




We were then in a queue to have our photos taken at the traditional signpost - behind three other teams. Brownie took little diplomacy in announcing 'We did it in less miles and less time.' - tiredness excusing the bluntness.




A few beers and back to Inverness for a night of celebration.




Was it good - definitely! Was it a task we would repeat? Ask us after the saddle sores recede.




A great thanks to all the support team- Kav, Bullers, Rob Moulam and Margaret Oakley, Nick and Rebeccah Kier, Alan Breteherton, Dave Parratt, Jon Lord and Brookesey, Michael and Sandra Frampton - and of course Owen Smith whose smiling mayhem fuelled visits in the evening were always welcome.




Thanks also to our sponsors, NMT crane hire, Solent Insulation and Rockwool, and the many people who have sponsored us on the website.




A final thanks to our partners for putting up with us and our mad plans - watch this space for the next event!




Keep a watch on the website for updates on BNUT and Flame's attack on the Pyrenees challenge in the Etape section of the Tour de France in July this year.




Thanks for joining the blog!!

Friday, 18 May 2007

Nearly there!


The heavens opened again as we set off this morning!!


Full Scottish Breakfast fuelled athletes set off in the 25 mph winds and torrential rain, the comforts of Ballacheulish echoing distantly in the Glens behind. Ahead, names scarce uttered beyond Renton Laidlaw's second reading of the classified football results - Scottish Isthmian league. Fort William, Drumnadrochit, Tain, Moray - onward and upwards to the shipping forecast.


Heads down and all thoughts of concerted efforts evaporated as the fallout left cyclists strewn from coast to coast!!


Oakley's empty promises of a distant cousin's 'Millionaire Shortcake' shortchanged as a financial offer of gain from Prince Abadawabeli from Central Swatszululand.


A choice! Esay urban cruising or adrenaline fuelled charge up 960 feet of ascent. Bravado won, as did pained lungs, but all 6 made the top for a deserved 35+ mph descent toward the north of Inverness.


John O'Groats pheromones filled gaping nostrils - none more gaping than BNUT and Oakley's - the pull drifting a 16.2 average over 120.5 miles - the last 18 testosterone enhanced after reaching the Hotel early.


Tomorrow the final assault. Warriors at last supper eager as Alexander's own army at the gates of Asia. We will conquer!!

Homesick Howie is no chicken


From my position at the rear of the pack, I often dream about being back home with the Moreteyne herd or cuddling up to my favourite Alpaca. Bex was jealous at first, but now three in a bed is second nature to this big, jolly farmer’s wife. I can almost picture her now, out in the fields, a calf under one arm and a bale of hay under the other. Oh how I miss her! Sometimes in the dark, windswept Scottish evenings as we sit round the camp fire quaffing McEwan’s Heavy and my own favourite tipple, chilled paraffino, I like to entertain the others with tales of animal husbandry and genetic modification. Down in the barn I’m working on reviving a long-extinct strain of chicken, the Buff Medway. Don’t confuse these with your bog-standard Buff Orpington- these are drop-dead gorgeous (and a bloody good lay, as we egg producers say). To bring these beauties back, all you need is a jam-jar full of hen semen and a pair of rubber gloves. If you try this at home, be sure to wash your hands afterwards. Well, that’s enough about farming. Time to jump in the shower for a turnip body-scrub, followed by a beeswax and lard facial. I noticed that the cows were lying down in the fields this evening which means that tomorrow should be another wet day. Either that or they’ve inhaled some of the noxious bodily gases you’ve read about earlier.

Howie

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Thursday's update

Another hard day in the saddle - well over 3 quarters of the way, with 730 miles to date.
Up from Kilmarnock to just below Fort William - 110 miles with over 4200 feet of climbing - most with rain and the last 30 miles against a strong westerly wind.
I note that some of the comments are chasing information and defamatory material on each team member.
Oakley upped his ante-post odds with tales of a sore knee - belied by his regular stretching of the peleton, though dwaining towards the end of the longer days. He confronted his vertigo demons today, crossing the 400 foot high Erskine Bridge at Glasgow - pre-empted by a cry of puncture resonating across the bridge as he cycled over a few specks of grit. He later daggered his inner tube to give credibility to his claim!!
Lous has been steadily getting fitter, and has been on slimming pills to reduce his overall cycle payload. Though the slimming has improved his drag coefficient, the wind erosion to speed has been constantly maintained with excessive methane production. He has struggled to adapt to outdoor toilet stops, and is regularly seen in contortive positions trying hard not to empty his bladder inside his lycra shorts whilst maintaining a modicum of decency!!
The Howester has exhibited an encyclopedic knowledge of the works of Rodgers and Hammerstein. His latest lyrical mantra - 'A man without a woman is like a ship without a sail. Like a boat without a rudder, like a fish without a tail. But if there's one thing worse in this Universe - it's a woman without a man!!' He too has pushed the carbon footprint assessment to the limit with gaseous exhaust. He has lost copious amounts of weight, and his legs are now as thin as a former Spice girl's - perhaps Bedfordshire's answer to Posh and Bex?
Brownie has morphed into a creature more machine than human - his Garmin, trip computer and laptop are rarely away from his 3 foot electrical umbilical cord. His directions were sorely questioned today as we entered the Glaswegian suburb of Moscow!! His legs are equally pipe cleaner like, and in cycle trousers look like a charcoaled pair of frog's limbs.
Julian has cleared all before him - equally behind him as he mimics the carrion infested fumes of a hyena's stomach. Achilles tendon problems have passed into annoyance, his aerodynamic profile cutting through any facing wind gusts. He has become team photographer, though the camera phone took a slight knock falling out of his hands over the rough pot holed approach to Windermere. He bravely pinched all the bacon from the Howester's roll today - but managed to resist eating the pork for fear of a swift retribution. His ingestion has included today, muesli, BLT sandwich, bacon roll, lentil soup, jam and cream scone, fruit cake, 2 doughnuts, numerous elevenses nutrigrain bars, mackerel, venison, mixed vegetables and a pear crumble. Can you explain his colonic gas problems?
Flame McNulty? The best rider by some considerable margin - with all othe riders beggingfor help in technique and autographed shirts. Apart from his bungee jump into the Bridgewater Canal, there has been little to report - barring regular bad jokes, singing and talking more excrement than the cesspit can contain.
Bikes - many punctures, quite often typified by a further deflation within 3 miles of repair. 400 pounds of spares being fitted fast!!
2 days to go - keep in touch!!

The photos that were missing:
















Here are the photos that were not published last night!

Wednesday, 16 May 2007

Back on line:

Well today had a very poor turn of the weather. Less hospitable than an early day motion promoting democratic reform in a Central African Parliament!
Yesterday by contrast was glorious weather with terrific views through the Lake District - Windermere was half way at 480 miles, and it seemed all downhill from there - how wrong we were!!
We left Penrith this morning, and the weather was overcast. Within an hour, it was pouring down. We crossed into Scotland at Gretna, in dreadful conditions but good spirits.
Bodies are hurting - Jules' Achilles is hurting, Brownie is struggling with the cold and Oakley's knee is aching.
We are kept going by the texts and comments - so please keep these up. They say a picture speaks a thousand words - here are the Adonis, old man, halfway team picture and eating stop.
Bren and the the team.

Monday, 14 May 2007

Progress:




Wet wet wet yesterday - very hard conditions.
Avonmouth and Severn (old) bridges almost lost in the mist.
Travelling over the Severn bridge was a highlight - you really appreciate the view, drop and engineering!!
Hit Monmouth at 4.00 with spirits low - 50 miles left at 4.30. 8.10 end to the day - almost 13 hours out!!
Saw Joddrell Bank today from a better pespective, having spent the day riding in far better though windy conditions.
Kiers indispensable today - spending over 400.00 on the parts needed to repair over 10 punctures, wheel problems and general muck in the gears causing jumping and missing.
Now got Dave Parratt, Nigel Brookes and Jon Lord helping Alan Bretherton - there were some intersting driving manouevres worthy of Dennis Waterman in the Sweeney!!
Owen Smith has also joined us for a few hours to celebrate over 97 miles in a brisk headwind at over 15 average.
Going well - keep the comments and messages coming!!
Bren and the team

Sunday, 13 May 2007

Great progress, despite adverse weather. Hope flame was not extinguished by the roadside dip! Hope progress was equally good today and rain holds off. Squawk

Saturday, 12 May 2007

Update:




No connection last night, but plenty to report.
Moulam was last seen with the Hotel Receptionist, discussing pastie recipes.
Bullers did not see a sign 12 foot high and reversed into it.
McNulty slipped on a bridge and fell into a weir - the bikes OK though.
Fuller reports to follow, and we will keep you updated with latest photos as we progress.
Two hard days work - 181 miles and lots of rain, though the wind has mostly been behind us.
Most of the wind has come from Howester and Syrup following a diet of tuna sandwiches, pasties and T bones.
Bullers, Kav, Margaret and Moulam have done a great job in support, and our thanks to NMT crane hire for the use of the van - indispensable!
Still, enough kindness.
Kav was weighed in as the heaviest - explained later by his constant comfort eating of Snickers bars. He is like a bulimic, only without the vomiting.
Bullers had a millinery incident - his suit carrier suffering a fall from the makeshift rail he has created in the van. He also tried to cut up all the cyclists, whilst simultaneously blaming the 'ginge winge'.
Oakley has kept us all comatose with tales of white line painting - really something to be missed!
Pags has developed the pervert look, complete with mysterious glasses and a rather revealing tight pair of cycle shorts.
Brownie has a gimp like Greco-Roman wrestling outfit, and we have been offered money on several occasions by farmers' cousins in the middle of Somerset.
Lous(e) has struggled along with the Howester to change gears, and the click of derailleur has been replaced by a mallet like thumping as encouragement to change gear.
Flame did a stunt fall on a bridge - sliding Starsky-like through the safety barrier into a weir!
Margaret has been the calming mother figure.
More to report later!!
Bren

Friday, 11 May 2007

Good luck for the next few stages. Hope wind stays with you as you head out from Lands End. See you, hopefully, all fit and well later on Monday. Cheers. Squawk.

Thursday, 10 May 2007

On the way:


Writing this from a hotel room in Taunton - 1 sleep to go.

Went out for some pasta and trifle, now turning in for an early start in the morning.

First puncture - in the garage a home, but we've changed the tube and are ready to go.

Terrible rain on the way down, but forecast a little brighter though with strong winds in the morning.

No pulling out now...............

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Raring to go!!


One sleep to go - plus a night of tossing and turning in the Taunton Travelodge!

We set off Thursday afternoon for an overnight stay in Taunton, so we can get down to Lands End early on the Friday for an 'easy' 60 mile day.
The forecast is poor weather, but the wind will be behind us for the first few days at least, and we have the possibility of a dry start to the ride.
From day 2, the mileage ramps up to average 110+ each day, and the saddle pains join the rest of our aching bodies for at least 8 hours cycling each day - possibly as much as 10 on some of the hillier sections.
First to declare bodily injury has been Oakley, our team hypochondriac and wig wearer. Syrup has complained of acute capsular atrophy - translated as a sore knee. His self treatment involved alcohol abuse and a sleep in front of the Arsenal v Chelsea game, which has prompted a Lazarus like recovery.
Second to the Altar of NHS Direct has been Brownie, sporting a Celebrity style damaged metatarsal. Unlike Beckham and Rooney, his injury occurred whilst ironing in some of his wife's clothes - well her Scholl sandals at least. His recovery is paramount as he is the only one to understand the route planned down to 1,897 way points.
From the photo of readiness above, you will see that we need all the help we can get - good blogging!

Monday, 7 May 2007

Carbon neutral:


I have been contacted at the last minute by the office of the Deputy Prime Minister. Following high carbon emission levels recorded yesterday in the Marston Vale area, the Lejog ride is required to submit carbon neutrality assessments to be able to proceed.

From each rider, I need a substantiated breakdown of an(nu)al emissions - intake volume-averaged over the last 40 rides.

I have established that to meet the requirements of the Montreal Protocol, we need to eliminate CFC, HCFC and Carbon based Oxide production by a factor of 89%. This will bring us - along with other transport based set offs - to within the 12 tonne gas limit imposed on the Lejog event.

There will be a Euro 6.12 per gm/m2 surcharge for belches or sphinctral emissions beyond the Government advised 1.33 tonne daily average allowance - this will be monitored by sophisticated Garmin based snooper software.

We all need to wear Odor Eaters and carbon based pant inserts. Food will be administered by saline drip to avoid excessive gas build-up from decaying pulse based diet, and there will be a blanket ban on garlic, coriander and bay leaves. We will also need to flare off the excess gas build-up as demonstrated by the Deputy PM's representative above.

I look froward to receipt of the relevant data.

Paddock Mates for the Alpaca's?



Are they waiting for words of wisdom? No, intuitively they knew that our leader was a likely source of carrots, even before he had removed his helmet. Needing the carrots himself, he couldn't kerb his generosity and much to BNUT's disgust, fed them all of our reserves of bananas!

Our last training run yesterday with only 4 sleeps to go, except for the odd snore on the settee. A big thank you to Mark and Bex for an excellent lunch and Sue for the puddings. Two more meals like that and I will need Mark's XXXL cycle top.

After 6 weeks the wind has at last changed (and not because of yesterdays chilli con carne) but thankfully the north easterly's have now moved to south westerly's giving the prospect of 15 - 20 mph winds helping us through the climbs of Cornwall and Devon next Friday & Saturday.

Click here for an Alpaca update:

http://www.wellground.com/Alpacas/index1.htm

Dad

Friday, 4 May 2007

Training on the way:




Went over with BNUT and the Welshman to talk with Bob from the St Neots Rotary about his Etape ride in 2001 - we are riding this year's event in July.


Tough doesn't come near enough in description, and the near third proportion of drop-outs in many of the years' rides bears testament to how hard a physical challenge this is going to be.


We all feel that the 960 mile LeJog ride is going to get us to a good standard of mile and climb fitness, but are going to need some hard work to maintain this through a further 8 weeks of preparation - what have we done?


On a lighter note - 7 sleeps to go!!
The van is ready - see photo - and raring to be driven by a most careless bunch of drivers - a cacophony of points declared when licences asked for. We had better buy some Road Angel detectors for the van to avoid certain impoundment after a 114 mile dash through the narrow routes of Cornwall and Devon.
I am sending out invites to all helpers so they can blog too.
Flame

Wednesday, 2 May 2007



The balaclavas have been outed!!

9 Sleeps to go:




I've had a word with Syrup as he has experience in these sort of things in the Dragon Boat racing.
All bikes are to be 'scrutineered' by an expert panel of lightweight rulesworths, following a tip off from the International Federation of Performance Enhancing Prevention (IFPEP), through their Chatroom listening division.
Performance enhancing foods containing excessive fats - saturated or unsaturated, Apple based alcoholic drinks are banned.

Equally, the use of tandems heard mooted by Lous is disallowed.

The balaclava wearing pair shown in this photo were spotted in the vicinity of Husborne Crawley - investigation is being undertaken.............