Carbon neutral:

I have been contacted at the last minute by the office of the Deputy Prime Minister. Following high carbon emission levels recorded yesterday in the Marston Vale area, the Lejog ride is required to submit carbon neutrality assessments to be able to proceed.

From each rider, I need a substantiated breakdown of an(nu)al emissions - intake volume-averaged over the last 40 rides.

I have established that to meet the requirements of the Montreal Protocol, we need to eliminate CFC, HCFC and Carbon based Oxide production by a factor of 89%. This will bring us - along with other transport based set offs - to within the 12 tonne gas limit imposed on the Lejog event.

There will be a Euro 6.12 per gm/m2 surcharge for belches or sphinctral emissions beyond the Government advised 1.33 tonne daily average allowance - this will be monitored by sophisticated Garmin based snooper software.

We all need to wear Odor Eaters and carbon based pant inserts. Food will be administered by saline drip to avoid excessive gas build-up from decaying pulse based diet, and there will be a blanket ban on garlic, coriander and bay leaves. We will also need to flare off the excess gas build-up as demonstrated by the Deputy PM's representative above.

I look froward to receipt of the relevant data.