From my position at the rear of the pack, I often dream about being back home with the Moreteyne herd or cuddling up to my favourite Alpaca. Bex was jealous at first, but now three in a bed is second nature to this big, jolly farmer’s wife. I can almost picture her now, out in the fields, a calf under one arm and a bale of hay under the other. Oh how I miss her! Sometimes in the dark, windswept Scottish evenings as we sit round the camp fire quaffing McEwan’s Heavy and my own favourite tipple, chilled paraffino, I like to entertain the others with tales of animal husbandry and genetic modification. Down in the barn I’m working on reviving a long-extinct strain of chicken, the Buff Medway. Don’t confuse these with your bog-standard Buff Orpington- these are drop-dead gorgeous (and a bloody good lay, as we egg producers say). To bring these beauties back, all you need is a jam-jar full of hen semen and a pair of rubber gloves. If you try this at home, be sure to wash your hands afterwards. Well, that’s enough about farming. Time to jump in the shower for a turnip body-scrub, followed by a beeswax and lard facial. I noticed that the cows were lying down in the fields this evening which means that tomorrow should be another wet day. Either that or they’ve inhaled some of the noxious bodily gases you’ve read about earlier.
Howie
Howie
10 comments:
As a Friend of the Buff Medway Fanciers, I would like to thank you for the work you have done to restore this magnificent strain. Very well done to you and your colleagues for taking on such a huge challenge. Perhaps you would consider raising money for the "Friends" on your next cycle challenge?
Can I please point out that breeding Buff Medway's is no laughing matter. Many of us have spent years trying to recreate this centuries-old breed (it was last seen in the British Isles over 200 years ago) and the suggestion that this can be done with semen and rubber gloves is quite frankly an insult to the hundreds of volunteers who have used scientific methods to achieve their aims. We are closer than ever to recreating the Buff Medway and the last thing we need is a bunch of cyclists taking the mickey. If our big corporate sponsors start to pull out, the whole project could be endangered. I'm amazed that a so-called farmer could sink so low. You should get on your bike and pedal down to Sheerness to see exactly what we're all about before putting these sort of stupid remarks on your website. Even the picture of the Orpington cockerel is contrived- it's probably the worst specimen I have seen in ages. I should stick to beef and turnips if I were you.
David Roberts,
Secretary, Buff Medway Fanciers
What the hell is the matter with you people? Is this some sort of wind-up? Howie and the others are doing a brilliant job, out there in all weathers raising money for charity. And what exactly are you and your fellow anoraks doing? Sticking your fingers up a hen's ar*se in a derelict shed, that's what. Get off their backs and get behind them, or I'm putting a call in to KFC, OK?
I object to being referred to as an "anorak", almost as much as I object to David Roberts' remarks about the quality of specimen in the photo. As anyone in chicken-fancying circles knows, my Buff Orpingtons have won more prizes during the last decade than any other registered breeder's. The cockerel pictured, "Seigneur of Kent", won four rosettes including best of show at the 2006 European Grand Prix. David Roberts can ill-afford to pass judgement when he has so far failed to breed a single bird. This confirms many peoples' suspicions that the Buff Medway will never be recreated. I hesitate to repeat comments made in the chicken-fanciers' press that the Buff Medway is in fact an elaborate hoax, connected in some way with a rock artist called Wild Billy Childish, and that money from sponsors has in fact been used to fund the lavish lifestyle of a bunch of charlatans. I would urge anyone connected with this Lands End to John O'Groats challenge to check out these people before giving them any further credence on this web blog. By continuing to allow them a platform you are perpetuating a cruel hoax which has already wrecked the lives of many. The poor farmer "Howie" from Bedford has clearly been duped by these people and is wasting his and his apparently large wife's money on a quest for the chicken fancier's equivalent of fool's gold. And for what? A ragged freak of a chicken which could in no way compare with the Buff Orpington. If Roberts and his cronies are so bloody confident, they can come down to the "Cock" in Rochester town centre any Saturday night and let's see how hard they really are. Don't bother to bring your hens (because you haven't got any).
Lynwell Davis
President, British Buff Orpington Society
Guys, if I could get a word in here... even if the Buff Medway existed (and there are rumours that the Iranians and the North Koreans already have the necessary technology to build one) it would probably come off worst in a straight fight with a Buff Orpington. I say a straight fight because, even in Elizabethan times, the Medway was inclined to fight dirty. But the Orpington is a bigger bird and the now-outlawed "pit bull" variety has been known to kill a domestic cat. The Medway is rarely seen in British cock-fighting circles and is not known for its aggression. However, we would suggest to "Howie" and other amateur breeders that they wear protective gloves when fitting spurs to their feet and keep them securely caged before introducing them to the pit.
Danny Savage
British Cockfighting Club
The Animal Liberation Front condemns cock fighting and genetic experimentation. All cyclists are now considered to be legitimate targets. You have been warned. We know where you live.
Pixie Dust
Delirium is clearly setting in old chap ... must be the weight loss (which I HAVE to see). Still you can't beat a good cluck. Brace yourself Bex!
Bruce
keep up the good work that you are all doing.Just one more day,
Its a shame the Buff Medway Fanciers don't get out off their sheds and do something like this themselves.
well done boys,quite proud of you........brendan,you are quite the writer!look forward to seeing some pictures when I come over
ann
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